It was a strange sort of hunger. I had an appetite with wide eyes. Staring at the mirror and I was getting hungry.
I watched my hands move across the glass and traced the lines. My arms, elbows, shoulders, neck, and chin.
Addicted to suicide. Some of us are addicted to suicide.
We kill ourselves, some-times twice daily.
We construct ourselves in such a way,
so we can kill ourselves again.
The honest man at work, hung over
curses the drunk the night before.
He hates his friends, the ones that encourage obliteration.
Use each-other to do what would be dysfunction ally depressing
if we did it alone.
And so he pours another cup of coffee. A couple of cups.
That night desperation. Anything to spike it. Hungry for light, sound.
Drinking, smoking, laughter.
Got to work in the morning. Fuck it.
That shitty job, you're so much better. Wasting your time.
You're not happy not going anywhere.
It's getting late. So tired, keep your eyes closed.
-------
It's what we won't give up
that tends to bring us down.
Shame is the great silencer. I behaved selfishly. I neglected you, and how you must have felt. I acted like an animal, without thinking. and I know how wrong it was. I think back and I cringe, painfully aware. I was a lesser man. Base, crude. An asshole. I'm still embarassed by my actions. Which is why I've shrank away. To simmer in my guilt[sin]. But I've fantasized, an apology. But not just that, I've dreamed up grand scenarios where I almost make it up to you. Saving your life, donating kidneys, as boys dream, as we dream and silent in reality, it makes it worse. I make it worse with my imagination. What you deserve is honesty and sincerity.
I am truly sorry.
-Deven Edward Pitcher.
------
You can't live your whole-life
in this
instant.
Or
can
you?
--------
She's got the great eyed kettle lickin' kickin'
Making my wide pride the wild wonder.
First we thought the trouble's
just emotion.
But now we know.
It happens automatically.
------
Brown Earth burstin'
from the cold stone grown.
Glass diamonds, land locked islands.
What's yours is mine and more times
arriving.
-----
New dead dogs, and old fast cars
black dark nothin' crushin' stars.
glass grit scraping tongue lashed laceration.
A bites worth biting, asleep excited
teeth clenched worn and grinding
truth calling honest eyes appalling.
-------
love lusting after justice
fuck truth and praise the best in
the worst among us.
-----
it was early dark and we were closer still.
old pillars with the ridges, holding on
to the front porch. hot summer with
the lights turned off. sweet little
kisses, lemonade and the green grass.
The movies with the worn seats and flat
shoes and early sour apples.
Hair braids and dog teeth
the waters still cold and waffle-cones.
-------
How do you feel when Temptation
walks out your door?
Give me a chance to be a
bad man.
-------
I was born two-feet tall and standing
Get a piece of every deal the devil's got his hand in.
brick-wall barricade, watch me bust through
another crooks just another fool I've got to step to.
take a big leap from the cheap-seats
landing in the band stands with a grand-plan
turkey-circle juke box with the eyes
on the clock. toe-tapping fast acting
quick drying on-the-side sly-trying
hands-tied, sun-dried, take a pick to the stone
I've got an axe to grind.
Old Stallion
steadfast charging but his heart is failing
sea sick, but I got my heart set on sailing.
Secret keeping ain't slept a peep in
weeks close my eyes and smell smoke rising
the gap in the ice is widening.
----------------
Give me a chance to
miss understand you.
Such a small price to pay
to save the world.
Such a small price to pay
to save your soul.
but who can afford to save your soul.
-------
I've done evil
done bad things
to real good people.
Mystery, Mystery
Magic’s all around me
Honest to Goodness
Heavens calling down.
----------------
Old shine in them pretty eyes.
You've seen a side of me,
what's this inside of me.
Why?
It's just a little time
I've had you on my mind
You've got a hold of me
whats that you told to me.
Now.
-----------
there’s a man 10-4 down-town waiting
for my name.
------
Guess What, I was fucking poor, before
the economy took a nose dive
and whats more
I'm still fucking poor.
I'm the sorry sod who can't keep his shoes tied.
--------
Good-god, you should of some how
realized what you were slowly
be-coming.
And not now, you said that you
Love me.
but you hardly know what to
try to make
of me.
God-damn.
is Hell on fire?
the smoke is surely
rising from deep
inside her.
-------------
A cheap trick, when you tried to fool me.
but the bastards at home already
schooled me.
Torture-and-pain,
it's such a shame
when you own the rope they're
hanging you with.
------------
I'm a blind man crying
seen the error of my ways.
brother, I'm not dying
No I'm living out my days.
------------
I'd sell my soul for peace on earth.
Sell your soul just to get to Heaven.
----------
You can't lie to me,
I don't believe the truth
You can't lie to me, it’s no use.
You can't cry for me,
I don't know
no sympathy.
-----------
My guilty pleasure?
Undeserved leisure.
One time shared like a wishbone born
fortune for one, and Nothing for the other
but I'm wiser for the competition.
lack the patience to learn from the
experience, push passed the
common interpretation
of our present
situation and
try to die
happy.
--------
Teacher, learned me a way to live with myself.
Oh all right, I think I get it
the Scam that got you is the
one you want to get me with.
--------------
It's sad dead man
still in the middle of a cigarette.
-----
Where or when the great saving grace
descends from heaven to tackle that shred
of senseless malingering self sabotage,
remember to put your eye to it, the worm,
the serpents shadow will fall to your
sign again.
-----------
I woke up lonely.
Wake up in the dark grasping. Short of breath. Get up to drive to work realize that I wasn't even wearing my glasses.
try to sink back into the fugue and drive home blurry.
-------
I've got my eyes wide open
I've got my boots tied tight
I've got my sights set higher.
Now I've got an engine light.
Where's all that good advice?
Cause I'm here on a cold dark night.
Staring stupid at the console red
got no fuel and the engines dead.
-----------
We're finding a wayyy out way.
Far-out way.
--------
summon an emergency
and we sill set forth in its mindset.
on our toes certain
in our panic.
Deft at the formalities of chaos,
not lacking in opportunities to prove
old maxims outdated.
Make peace with the transistor.
The devil gives pause to his conscience.
Make leer at him.
Ashamed at the precedent
now unabashed at its cadence.
Alive in its passing.
Solemn in song, crude in our precision.
We've put great stakes on every day occurrence.
Left out scale in our measure.
Put faith in our successes.
Build upon our natural strengths
or truly invest in our logics,
ignore the infrequent suicides,
there's reason for their lonesome,
each stranger gives up
on those they never meet.
------------
Can't hold me to my promises,
I'm free to cheat and lie.
A man bound to his word is tied
to his intentions,
and life will pass him by.
But don't you find people come to
form resentments?
and don't you get
nervous, sweat, and shiver,
when you make your boasts and
then can't deliver?
See that’s my problem!
I've got the poor unfortunate luck
to always make it like I say.
humility severed from my ability
i've got the goods,
no I ain't half bad.
I ain't never paid remorse
or been stuck with regret.
I've lived up to every
outrageous goal i've ever set
and all the people can
only say,
watch out! for someday.
-----------
I don't believe in leaving people
high and dry.
I'll wash the spit right out your mouth.
I'll take the steps right off your stride.
and if I can just get through today.
every day.
-------
it's not the morning,
not the night.
It's not the dark
it’s not the light.
Oh there is something you will find
in between this awful time.
I'm not alive
and
i'm not dead
thinking about all the things i've never said.
you can almost read my mind,
inbetween this awful time.
-------------
I'm not the new way,
i'm not the old way.
I'm just the way it's been
and always will be.
It's not a secret,
it's not a mystery,
the way we live our lives
has got to change today.
-------------
Her eyes were big like brown spiders.
We kissed with consequence.
Seperated,
alone we were
hopped up high hopes and ego.
Together we were proof.
Evidence everlasting of
the divine instant
sacrilegious in our existence.
Justified Narcissists.
The power to forget forever
and ride by the eternal sonata
humming with a lisp
lips wet and water on our breath
words drip
and evaporate all meaning.
-------
do you make much money
selling yourself short?
------
We were very happy
until the day we died--
Now it feels like nothing
has filled us deep inside.
We're sitting in the
graveyard waiting
for our souls now
to arrive.
But we lost them
long ago
and it can take
a very long time.
-----------
I load the gun,
but I don't know where to aim.
I'm in love again,
but I don't know where to aim.
------
We, I mean me,
I'm a categorical mistake.
-------
Everyone has a true love that’s
slipping away.
and we just spend the rest of our lives
fucking around.
fucking around.
------
My my. Now comes this,
an old friend
reminds me to bother,
sore, old, tired
young, strong, tired.
Black tongue turns the page.
What else?
split the difference.
-----------
Blacked out drunk,
sleeping with the lights on.
Feet hanging off the bed.
Days go by,
I can feel the migraine before i wake up.
my eyes open and confirm that i am in fact, alive,
and a miserable piece of shit.
two glasses of water and two hours on the can.
---------
I'm out on a limb
and
I'm down in the sand.
I know you're taking a chance
and
you're making a stand.
It's a shame, I'm away
when you're here by my side.
We're under the gun
over the top
and
losing the one.
Break the silence with a whisper
talking over a secret, shouting
at the conversation
choking on the volume
quiet in the violence
sneaking in the spotlight
breaking in the old tradition.
---------
alone and hungry in the company of scalawags.
tricking myself
into sleeping through the noon bell chime.
tied my shoes
to the surface of the earth
tripping over the terrain.
slicing off my knee caps to
fry them in the grease
from my teeth.
I can see over the tops of the shoes
hear the feet chasing me down.
Ugly by the looks of it.
Feeling the way to the hole in my head.
------------
lights in the sky
and
i'm tired in my bones
I get queasy like they're coming for me.
I've been fighting with myself
at every turn.
lack the strength to put my eye on it.
slipping from the sunset
defeated from the onset,
cursing at your corset,
and my lies are tying me down.
--------
10 pages a day
and the trouble was the foundation
hard woods and shellac under the
black backing.
but the connection straight line
from the center of the earth
up through the inanimate
magma pulsing with heat
straight line drawn up
to the tip of my pen
out the back cap
to my naked eye
out the back of my skull
with the ugliest honesty
tracing the path out and up to the sky
to the atmosphere
where the air is thin
passed the stars
and the dirty gas,
ice and fire in the dark goodnight
intersecting with curved space
drawn into the black hole
tasting the demise
of my own creation
and i stop to think
with the pen still moving
etching into the forgotten medium
carving contours on the
formless void--.
-------
i'm alone tonight
strictly speaking
alone tight
down on the sidewalk.
-------
sightly bandage wrapped in black plastic
tugging at my gums
chew screws
and crack molars
loose-hip buck skin
salted leather wallet.
cracked glass on the window sill
a vase with flowers.
going over to the shadow
so's
I can light my cigarette in the dark.
A cruel joke
he played on himself
try to reverse fortune and
play the tycoon.
carrying the crash pad
lasting as the stand in.
-------